How Do My Nursing Home Lessons Apply to Those Walking the Cancer Path

Caring for a family member who has cancer has it’s own unique challenges. Challenges not found in other long term care situations. These include, but are certainly not limited to chemotherapy and radiation and the side effects that go with them.

However, there are challenges I faced with Mom’s care that are applicable to any situation that involves working with health care professionals, from hospital staff to hospice staff.
Building positive relationships with everyone who cares for your loved one is an absolutely necessary building block. It will help ensure that your ill family member will receive good care, especially when you are not present.

Making Friends in High Places

I ate with Mom at least three times a week, and the meals was almost always good. The food in this nursing home was definitely above average. They worked at individualizing meals to accommodate the needs, likes and dislikes of residents.

They weren’t perfect, however, and there were times when my grandmother’s diet needed to be changed. She went through stages. There were days where she wanted bacon for breakfast every morning. Even though she talked to the CNAs about it, somehow her desires were not communicated with the workers in the kitchen.

Fortunately I had become friends with the director of nutrition. We had conversations on a regular basis, and I always let him know that he and his workers did a wonderful job feeding the little folks in their care. When Mom’s ‘bacon tooth’ became active, I shared her desires with the nutrition director and she had bacon every morning.

Yes, it makes life better for those in your care, if you make friends in high places.

First Rattle Out Of the Box

Before we moved Mom from the hospital to the nursing home, I spent a lot of time talking with the administrator and others in that facility. I did my best to make sure that everyone understood her needs, and I thought I had done a pretty good job.

That is until I walked in one morning just two days after her placement in the nursing home. She was sitting in her wheelchair in the hallway. When she saw me, she began to cry. In all my life I had never seen my grandmother cry. Not when her husband died. Not when her middle son died. Not when her oldest son died.

Needless to say, her tears on this occasion upset me. She told me that she had been treated roughly. She said that the CNAs had pushed and pulled her while dressing her and transferring her from her bed to her wheelchair. She told me that they caused more pain in her back. Oh man, was I mad.

I immediately located the CNAs and informed them in very concrete terms that Mom could not be treated in that fashion. Then I went to the administrator on duty that day. I clearly made my concerns known to him. He then talked to Mom, and she confirmed everything I had said. He assured me that our concerns would be addressed and the entire staff would be informed about how to help Mom transfer as well as other needs.

The administrator was true to his word, and within a day the staff knew about Mom’s needs. Things improved dramatically for her. Sigh.

Mom’s ‘Roomie’

I had hoped that Mom’s roommate would be a sweet, happy little lady, someone just like my grandmother. My first clue that that was not the case was when I asked the nursing home administrator about her just before we moved Mom. The administrator paused, took a breath and said, “Well, it will all be fine. This room was the only open space we had. If it doesn’t work out, we can move your grandmother when we have another room come open.”. Then she took me to meet Mom’s future roomie.

Well, as it turned out, God, the great Arranger, had chosen a lady that I had known for years as Mom’s room mate, and yes, ‘Susan’ would never be described as ‘sweet’. From the time I first met her, she always seemed to have a negative mindset. I always loved her, but she was in no way like Mom. Sigh.

God is so wise. Those ladies were a blessing to each other in so many ways. Susan had few friends and family, and received little positive attention from anyone other than staff. Mom and Susan were very good company for each other. When I brought goodies to Mom, I also made sure that I had an equal amount of goodies for Susan. When I gave Mom a manicure, Susan got one, too. Susan shared in family activities we had for Mom. She was included in everything. She loved all the attention, and I loved giving it to her.

How is it possible to overcome a negative situation? With love!

The Very Small “Cubicle”

It looked so very small. I knew it would be small, but I still was not emotionally prepared to see the “cubicle” space that would be Mom’s home. Being faced with the fact that her life had been reduced to a few square feet, was almost more than I could handle. Yep, nearly had a meltdown right there in that room.

Getting Mom settled into the nursing home was a difficult, physically exhausting, and emotionally draining event. But I did it. There are many details about those days that I don’t remember. Perhaps that is best.

At the beginning of Mom’s residence in the nursing home I made a concerted effort to get to know as many staff people as possible. I remember meeting the marketing director, the administrator, the director of nutrition, the director of nursing and the head custodian. From that time on, I greeting everyone with a smile and kind words.

I wanted everyone to know that I was part of “the team”, and that when I was visiting Mom, I would be helping with her care. At first I could tell that the CNAs were a little nervous to have me around. Most likely they thought that I would be going to the administrator with complaints about them. After a few weeks, they began to trust me, just as I began to trust them.

Don’t think, however, that all was “sweetness and light”. There were some difficult moments. In the next post, I share the first one.

Nursing Homes: How to “Make the Best of It”

My grandmother’s stay in the nursing home was about 11 months. I learned many things about relating to all staff involved in her care from administration to CNAs. I made many friends there and o this day I cherish the time we spent together.

Over the next several posts I want to share with you some of the experiences Mom and I had in this nursing home. I want to share how I handled various situations that arose during the months of her residence there.

First of all, this nursing home is basically a good facility. It has an open, bright atmosphere when you first step through the door. It is beautifully decorated, and everything feels and smells fresh and clean. It is locally owned and well run.

Not all our experiences there were good. There were some very difficult moments, but I believe that the way I handled the bad experiences enabled my grandmother to have many more good experiences. Overall she was cared for very well.

You Are My Sunshine

“You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. And I love you.”. That was my grandmother’s version of that wonderful old song. I heard it many times when she was in the nursing home. She sang it to me. She sang it to her roommate. She sang it to the CNAs who cared for her every day. She sang it when she was having a good day. She sang it when she was having a bad day. It was her way of expressing love to those around her. It was also her way of coping with life when things were not going well.

She told me that occasionally she felt like she was being treated roughly when CNAs were showering her or helping her change clothes. You can be sure that I had another conversation with the director of nursing every time she mentioned this to me. I asked her what she did when she felt like the CNAs were being rough. She replied that she sang the sunshine song. I asked, “What do they do when you start to sing that song?” She grinned and said, “They smile all over themselves.”

Mom understood all about catching “more flies with honey than vinegar”.

Wishing For What is Not Possible

We have all done it at one time. We have all wished for things that are not possible. I wish I were taller, shorter, younger. For my grandmother, many things were not possible, going home, having a straight back that did not hurt, and being able to walk without a walker to name a few.

In all the months she was at the nursing home, she only asked one time to go home. When I reminded her that she had given me permission to take care of all her possessions and empty her house, she readily took back her request and never mentioned it again.

She could have whined, complained about this and many more things. She could have wished for her life to be different, to be happier, to be better.

But she didn’t. She understood and embraced a little nugget of wisdom in Phillipians 4:11-13, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him (Christ) who strengthens me.” English Standard Version

My grandmother knew that desiring what was not possible would not contribute to her happiness, or the happiness of others around here. Being in her presence was always a blessing because she was always, always happy. In all things, even during the saddest of times, she had a countenance which showed a godly contentment and peace that ‘passed all understanding’.

This is yet another life lesson I learned from my grandmother.

She Stepped Into Heaven

I had her close by for almost a year. I saw her three to five times a week. We shared many meals, conversations, tears, and special beyond words moments. I had the privilege and blessing of putting lotion on her feet, washing her false teeth, and tucking her into bed at almost every visit.

She had a few month of increasing strength, then turned a corner and began gradually declining. As she got weaker, her pain increased. She talked less and ate less.

Six weeks after her 99th birthday she stepped into heaven. Yes, I miss her every day, and there are still hard moments, but I know she is where she needs to be.

In my next post I will share some of the things I learned from her during our time together.

Doing Grandmother Things; that is Doing Things on Behalf of My Grandmother

It has been a summer to remember; a summer that has challenged my physical and emotional stamina. School is beginning again and things have almost setted down – almost.

On June 9, my precious grandmother fell. Up until that day she lived at home and did fairly well for someone who is 98 years old. That day, however, was a ‘game changer’. The circumstances of the fall made evident the fact that she could no longer live at home. She fell during the middle of the night and lay in the floor for several hours. Oh, yes. She had a ‘lifeline’ bracelet on her wrist. She decided not to call them because she knew the paramedics would take her to the hospital. Sigh. Well, her main injury was broken ribs. She spent a week in the hospital.

When I received the call that she had fallen, I was teaching music in Vacation Bible School at my church. I immediately left, packed my suitcase and drove to her home, which is two hours from my house.

Mom, at the age of 98, has outlived most of her family. She has buried two sons, a husband, and all of her brothers and sisters. I am the oldest grandchild, and the one who has received the mantle of caring for her. Though this is no small task, I count it to be a privilege and blessing. I don’t know if I can put into words what she means to me and how much I love her.

I will be sharing in the next few posts what I have learned from her this summer.